A man’s manliness can be measured by three key factors: the number of children he bears; the amount of amantes (lovers) he maintains; and the quantity of hair gel he uses. All three are imperative. Let’s see how our 2012 Mexican presidential candidates stack up.
One candidate uses no gel (pronounced hail), clearly a bad choice for the future of the republic. This candidate has promised to drastically cut his own pay, as well as all other public officials’ pay. He is socialist and interested in protecting the rights of native Mexican landowners & farmers. Not very manly at all by European Spanish standards.
Our next candidate uses only a dollop or small squirt of hair gel, and that, only for the purpose of maintaining the shine and vitality of his luscious curls. He is all about women’s rights and prevention for addictions, which he calls enfermedades (diseases). Obviously the wrong choice for a country dominated by traditional Spanish manliness & alcoholism. He may as well be gay. Or a woman.
The third candidate is a woman. It doesn’t matter whether or not she uses gel. Her haircare is irrelevant. This candidate is concerned with preserving la cultura (Mexican culture). In the last presidential debate she said, “The child who picks up an instrument is highly unlikely to pick up a weapon.” The rest of the time she’s rambling on about adequate living conditions and proper nutrition for all children. She is not, and never will be, un rey, a king (as canonized by Guanajuato’s own Jose Alfredo Jimenez),and therefore is disqualified as a candidate for the race to be the next leader of the republic of Mexico.Gracias por su tiempo. Don’t call us; we’ll call you.
Our fourth and final candidate, however, uses a good handful, un chorro, of gel; more gel than Elvis Presley used in his lifetime. This man is young, virile, and sports a gorgeous curvy Mexican telenovela (soap opera) star for a wife. A man’s man. He has read a total of two books in his lifetime, if that, according to his recount in a national radio interview, when asked to cite 3 books that most profoundly inpacted him on his journey. He is very liberal and generous with his hair product at least, if not with the Mexican people. The more the better is his policy when it comes to styling, but less is more is his policy when it comes to helping out the poor, young, indigenous, and female of this great nation. This is clearly a Whiskey & Tecate drinker. (See SML #18: Whiskey, Tequila, & Tecate.) Our hard-headed helmet-hair candidate supports big business, clear-cutting indigenous land, and privatizing basic human necessities. This is the obvious choice for Mexico. This is our front-runner.
The above is a spoof ad for the Mexican bookstore chain, Gandhi. Our frontrunner’s political party is called “PRI.” The ad says, “First, learn to read.”
Our new potential president may not read or know the national minimum wage off-hand, but he is a man’s man by all three counts. Check the bouffant.
Viva Mexico!
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